Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
