I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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