i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
