Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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