I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
birth control should be required to get into college
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
