last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
