Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
