Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
