I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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