My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
