Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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