Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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