I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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