You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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