i need an iv and a liver transplant
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Randomize
