Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
