Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
