No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
