Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
