i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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