Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
