When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
