some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
