i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
