its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
