i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
