onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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