You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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