Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
