Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
