Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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