I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
