When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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