How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
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Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
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Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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