one word: firstdatebathroomanal
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
