that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
