her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
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Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
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Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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