WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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