I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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