This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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