my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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