My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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