is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
