I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
