He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
