I just saw a hot homeless man
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
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And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
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All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.