For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor