he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
