failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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