That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
