I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
