The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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