why didn't you poke me back
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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