he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Only a mothe r could love this liver
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
