so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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