you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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